Das Tier In Mir
by Meliorism
Summary: She can only continue to fight tooth and nail, just as she once did, but now...with half the meaning behind it gone.


**Disclaimer**- Hellsing © Kouta Hirano

**A/N**- I've actually been rather obsessed with this friggin series for a while now. I figured this would happen sooner or later.

Das Tier In Mir

'_I hardly sleep at night anymore, how can I? Zhere Vere times as a kid I could fall asleep und stay so for ze eight hours I vas supposed to. I vould alvays put up a fuss beforehand about vanting to stay up und vatch television- even zhough I knew it vasn't allowed. It vas a silly zing back zhen; I vas a bit of a lightweight und vould curl up into ze blankets given to me.'_

She huffs as well as she can, no use in grumbling when she can't get comfortable. There's no use; she'll be back up in a couple of hours to get the job done. Stress has always been a present factor in the blonde's life, but moreso now. The sheets are terribly crumpled and blankets lain askew, one leg lays flat while the other bent at the knee so only her foot is pressed against the surface of the bed. Fingers clench at the fabric of her tank, a small occasional scratch while faded green eyes look up at the ceiling in a permanent glare.

'_I vas a fairly moderate sleeper, not too light und not too heavy. However, zhere vere times vhen it vould get interrupted because somebody couldn't get to bed properly. She'd vhine a few times, maybe pout und try to call me a name. I'd alvays let her in because __warum nicht?__ As long as she didn't try to make me read to her or stay up all night talking, sometimes she did, but if she vas ever really tired, she vould cling to me. I vas a brat back zhen und zhought Yumie vas only being weird, one time I remember trying to pry her off because I just vanted to lay down without having my lungs crushed.'_

Those eyes flickered towards the empty spot beside her and for a moment, the Wolfe simply stared. Emptiness, loneliness, it was all so bitter. Not that she wanted anyone else to fill that spot now, it was reserved and would forever be for only one…no matter how useless the notion was now. The opposite hand traced lightly over the spot as if searching for some form of warmth to where her partner would be. The gunslinger is well past the state of it bothering her so externally that she would scream and cry; the first few months of that period had long past, now she would just stare off and reminisce in silent devastation. It ran deeper than just survivor's guilt. They were supposed to be together, and now she was left to moan and gripe about how much she had messed it all up.

'_Everyzhing ist just so bleak now. Zhat's vat it is: despondency. Ja it does hurt to zhink about, but I've become quite accustomed to pain, ist somezhing Iscariot especially haff to endure for ze sake of others. Zhere's been years of it, some greater zhan others, zis vould definitely be ze latter.'_

A great pain. Losing someone she loved so dearly was a tragedy, and in such a brutal way. Her entire body was severed so effortlessly, so cleanly that it was almost a mockery. Heinkel remembered the pieces falling to the ground in a scattered mess, she remembered her adrenaline spiking as she yelled Yumie's name. Then the clear sound of a gunshot, she hadn't registered any pain until falling onto her back and pressing a hand to her damaged and bloodied mouth. Damn that dog of war! She wanted so much to tear into him and everyone else like the Wolfe for which she was named. Rip his throat out and stomp his face in. Hard to do considering she was sure a few of her back teeth had been shot out and tongue an awful taste of gunpowder. It was almost poetic that she would stomach so many cigs but something that tasted just as atrocious would

'_I still vant Yumie to be here. I need her to be sleeping beside me. Ja, I do miss her und ja I do love her, but I could not bring her back zhat time. It vasn't like I could snatch her by ze collar und drag her off vhile she hurled insults at our enemies. Gott I vish ve could still do zhat. I might haff laughed, but I can't. I can only keep moving forward until my time is up too.'_

Heinkel didn't laugh. There was nothing funny about the situation. Even if there wasn't she couldn't bring herself to physically do such. It was impossible to get that sense of joy now. Instead she scoffed and threw her legs over the side, pushing up from the bed to make a trip to the washroom. No matter the improvement of science and technology with its blasphemous touch on her, there was nothing that she hated more now as the uneven steps. Of course she had adapted to it, and even used such to her advantage at certain points, but she hated the handicap. There was one point before when she rejected it out of wanting her limbs gone as well, to be separated just so her pieces could match up with her partners. It was a terribly morbid idea, earning her 2 weeks to a month in treatment for psychiatric evaluation, prayer and physical therapy.

'_Yumie vouldn't haff liked zhat. She'd probably give me a gut slap und tell me I vas being ridiculous…among ozher strong vords. Somezhing about not being a savage wolf, but more cunning like I alvays vas. Ugh, zhe sentiment ist pathetic.'_

Upon reaching the washroom, her foot gave the door a half-hearted push closed while bleary eyes glared at her reflection in the mirror. Really, how could she not be a savage wolf? She already looked like one! Not many expressions she could make with such a damaged mouth, granted they could've fixed that up too with reconstructive surgery, but she explicitly told them not too. She was used to wearing the bandages over her face; it was a trade out over her old tea-shades. At least back then she looked decent and presentable, if a bit androgynous, now she looked like some comic book freak. Much that she could do now was growl, snarl, bark, yell, etc. Not an ideal person to be around the children like she had before when off duty and assisting in the periodic charity work. She missed then too; there came memories of a small boy trying to trail after her and hiding under her coat tails, or a girl that would say how cool she looked- "like an action hero" before giggling and scampering off. It was hard back then, but she still had points that made her life flow easier. The present brought nothing but anguish. Heinkel ran one hand (the one that could still feel) through her straw locks and sighed, staring at the pitiful expression mirrored before croaking:

"Gott, mir helfen."

* * *

Warum nicht? - "Why not?"

Gott - "God"

Gott, mir helfen - "God Help me."


End file.
